Inappropriate IM's from the Shoney Bear

I think the perfect analogy for our discussions here was delivered to me, fully articulated, in the form of a night’s work last Sunday. I lent my Sabbath plus a few grimy fingers to a crew appointed by Shoney’s International. (Jordan….. Shoney’s!) Get ready to lose all the blood in your face: Shoney’s turns 40 years old this year. Yeah, I know. I’d be lucky to still be alive at 40 after having spawned so many cases of diarreah too.

Well, as broke-dick a company as Shoney’s is, they still know how to throw a festival, and just like anyone with cash and virility to burn, they took us all down to the Airport Marriott and had us build props out of PVC pipe! Charming! I know, decadence never flowed so smoothly… If only Bob Weir could have been on hand.

At $35 an hour, who am I to question materials or standards? We spent about 8 hours gargling black coffee and nacho cheese, eating room service and telling Neil Hamburger jokes over the PA (why did Julia Roberts rub feces into her vagina?…. Because she was horny!) Add to that, 2 hours of vacantly watching an ambiguously ethnic girl sow 70 feet of white, seamless fabric, and maybe 2 hours of possibly breaking a sweat. The hotel bartender, Miles, was nearly convinced that we needed a coffee pot filled with vodka on site. I was totally convinced… We were spread as thick and steamy as a breakfast bar, wet sponges of sausage and all. At 2:30 AM, we found ourselves clutching a 20 x 70 foot wing of plastic pipe wrapped in fabric and a serious desire for pharmaceuticals.

I think we can all agree our recent blog-chat has followed a nearly identical trajectory, and incidentally, left me with a hauntingly parallel need for some of Will’s old pills and a pre-lunch martini. I only wish it paid as well.  (Why did Michael Jackson dangle his infant son off of a balcony?… He was being punished for refusing to finish his plate of sperm!) I know. Not my material. And that’s exactly what coffee-table philosopher-blogging will get you, dangerous citations and a collapsed moral compass… Actually, I think I’d like to characterize it much as the Shasta Dragon has: I’m not swerving, I’m just making the most of my lane assignment.

Comments

[Barry]

Last night when I was driving home, I decided that if I was pulled over by the police for swerving, I would use the "...lane assesment" line.

[Kyle]

Has anyone heard the new Seger album? Supposedly it leans closer to Beautiful Loser and Brand New Morning than to the Silver Bullets.

[Kyle]

http://igetresults.blogspot.com/

[Nick]

Agreed, 5th season is permeating all right now. Back in Austin, thanks for the Muesem advice. Went to the Hirschorn on Friday and the Freer for the 100th anniversary on Saturday, which was sick. They had musicians from all over all play together following on the Fez sacred music festival in Morrocco. I'll try to post some video later this week. Included Sufi dudes playing totally tripped out esoteric horn/drums while walking thru the middle of the musuem. Also, my parents used to eat at Shoneys when they were in college in memphis for all you can eat fish night on fridays, until my uncle began to consistently eat them out fish, they eventually went out of business. What a badass.

[raenie]

kyle,
the single from the new seger alb is all "against the wind 2," and shit. tour dates have been announced, but they're very midwest-centric.

doodoo, i need to know more about what you do for a living. a latecomer to mr hamburger, i too have felt his thumbprint on my tummy and balls, of late.

[Patrick]

we need more, doo-doo!